I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
All I remember was my mom walking through the door, and then me asking her if she wanted a hit.
Randomize
