Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
I STUDIED GEOGRAPHY I KNOW THIS SHIT!! DON'T YOU DARE QUESTION MY AUTHORITY ON GLACIAL DEPOSITION AGAIN BITCH!!
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