Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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