i'm so high i feel like the people i'm chatting with online can some how see that i'm naked.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
Whatever, its basically a crime against humanity to miss an andre power hour so she'll get what's coming to her.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
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