I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize
