she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
