1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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