I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I'm waiting at the bar and am surrounded by unattractive women.
You need to get here and rebalance this disturbance in the force.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
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