It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
too bad you live with your parents still
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Randomize
