I have said "that's the wrong hole" for the last time.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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