You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
You set fire to his cat.
In my defense, I did not think it would be in the trash bag.
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