oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
