Do you think they could tell I was high on that conf call?
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Last nIght I drank wIth the new guy from fellowshIp & my pastor I've known sInce I was 7. It was agreed by them that I had nIce tIts. I'm not weIrded out In fact I'm flattered...
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
Randomize
