Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
Oh well, he'll live. He has a hand and a penis.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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