Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
i just ran butt naked down the hall and someone highfived me. i love college.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
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