Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he keeps calling me but I'm too scared to answer... Not sure what he's gonna yell at me for: barging into his room while he was with another girl, filling her shoes with dog food and water, or hiding his keys in the garbage disposal.....
It was like a secret agent hookup. No names, swift execution, get in- get out.
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he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Just made nicotine water. Ithink i'm having a heart attack.
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I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
on a scale of one to ten where does vomming from being hungover during a professionalism lecture fit
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