Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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