I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Your cock deserves a montage
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
Turns out both me and my grandpa have a guilty pleasure for South American men.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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