There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
You need a sexual gate keeper
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I just ate cream cheese straight for my dog
I'm afraid to ask what that means
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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