Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
well I can't set my house on fire every night
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.
FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Randomize
