You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
It is a sign that I need a fresh start when Kelly Clarksons new album tells the story of my life.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
danced like there was no tomorrow. surprise. there's a tomorrow
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
