I really hope your girlfriend didnt have your phone while i texted how much i loved doing it in HER car with you :x
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
Randomize
