Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
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If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
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I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.