If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
only in a texas roadhouse would someone whistle while I was breastfeeding.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
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