Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
Randomize
