my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
they're staring at me
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
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We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
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Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I am attempting to break the habit of calling him daddy.