I wish i was in the wii world.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
