I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
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I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I will pee on everything he values.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I went to the obgyn with chipped nail polish.. Somewhere Beyonce was looking down, shaking her head, whispering "Not fierce."
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Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
he's spending the night tonight. if i can walk straight tomorrow i'll be pissed.
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