I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
standing in line at subway, they've got 'stand up and get crunk' blaring. the lines out the door and everyone is dancing. Lombardi Gras rules.
for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Desperate times call for desperate measures. But he promised me no small talk so that was nice
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
Randomize
