Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
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