Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Quick question, did I crash teeth with you when I snogged you, or did I headbutt something between the car and the bed last night?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
