There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go
Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
You're talking about alcohol when the smell of hand sanitizer is too much for me right now
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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