Would you feel weird if I asked out ___?
You dont call on our son's bday but you want to know if I'll give you permission to date my best friend?
So...no?`
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
the girl next to me was drawing sonic the hedgehog on her exam what the fuck
godspeed
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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