My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
I am become drunk, destroyer of all worlds
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
