When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
pop tarts are not kleenex
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
I'm all dressed in my outfit from last night, and I'm not even the sluttiest person in Walmart right now. God bless Miami.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
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