i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
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