this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Maybe you should have studied instead of worrying about who is going to have sex with you
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
my roommates gone so i can take codeine and sleep naked
Randomize
