No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
going to class with no bra.. is that saying "i don't give a fuck i'm one hour away from thanksgiving break?"
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
