I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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