How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
Randomize
