yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
Idk how I even got accepted into college because literally the only things my brain ever thinks about are YouTube videos of baby animals and sex.
Talked a police officer into driving us the 1/2 mile home from the bars because we didn't want to walk. I never knew the back of cop Cars had plastic seats.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
Randomize
