Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
Randomize
