her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions
The only thing I can remember you saying is "I won't cut pizza like this when I'm older."
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
DOUBLE NIPPLE PIERCINGS ARE HORRIFYING
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Randomize
