wrong asian. never thought that would happen.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I've got to stop fucking tourists. If Chicagos piazza is anything like their dicks. I'm moving.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Randomize
