Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
It would be worth it to see how drunk he is right now.
He cartwheeled into the side of the neighbor's garage.
Ok, i'm coming over
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
"Stranger danger aquaman" were the last words i remember. help me.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
He showed me a picture of his family on Instagram and his dad was my Sugar Daddy. ABORT.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
