I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
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