You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
well you can't waste a boner
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
if he becomes president of the united states, I will tell EVERYONE that i took his virginity.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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