I just pynch a tree in the face
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Randomize
