The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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