is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
After the keg stand you collapsed, hit your head on the floor, started seizing and after 20 seconds got back up and said "hah, I remember my first beer"
You ran down the alley towards a stranger screaming "you took my beer".... Then proceeded to run into a garage, fall down, and scream about how your shirt makes you look fat.
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Why was I lying under a truck last night?
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
