I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
i'm just really offended he didn't want to have breakup sex. like that was the only thing i was really looking forward to
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
