It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
