turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I just got a huge discount at GameStop for having tits. I win.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
I’m literally naked drinking a beer and I gotta leave in 6 minutes for work lol
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