ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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