you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
She asked how far humans have gone into a volcano because they did in spy kids. She was serious.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
"guaranteed dick" "anywhere - her room, my room, trees, couch"
Sorry that was quotes about you from the grad student.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
