I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
