I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Ran into my neighbor that's always crying. I wonder if she's like; "I ran into my neighbor who's always playing with her vibrator?"
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
There's a dude wearing a banana suit at the house across the street....
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
Randomize
