i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
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she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
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Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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