even iPhones love lady gaga. everytime I type haha it trys to correct it to gaga. this is bullshit...
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Pumped to get "pass out-wake up in Berlin-buy a chinchilla" drunk?
Randomize
